A Manifesto From A Soon To Be Former Introvert

All of my adult life, I have hidden behind the tag of being an introvert. Yes, I claim to be a Wallflower. You know the type, standoffish, quiet, preferring to be alone or in small groups, always standing in the eves. As I age though, I seem to be coming more and more out of my shell. Some recent comments and actions sent me into a deep funk. These may or may not have been directed at me. Nevertheless, they struck home.

As I struggled with those events, I began to deeply study myself and where I find myself today. My conclusions are that the introvert in me was created and is not necessarily who I am. Can I pry myself away from the wall and join into the merry makers around me? Is this a direction I want to take?

How was this instilled into me? I think my parents, who in the overall scheme of things were not bad parents mind you, set these wheels in motion. First, they preached “What will everyone think”? At an early age I learned rather than put myself out there and risk failure and have people point fingers at me, it would be far easier and less risky to just keep to myself.

Second, they also admonished me when I committed wrong, by telling me what a great disappointment I was. They punished more by talk than action and most of my transgressions were met with a discourse that began with, “We love you, but we want you to know what a disappointment you have been”. How often I would have rather faced the paddle than the words!

Lastly, there was no belief in my abilities. My older brother failed out of engineering school and in their logic, he couldn’t cut, so how could I? My high school dreams of becoming an architect were met with scorn and no support. Father refused to sign my class permission slip because there was just no way I would ever obtain such lofty goals.
  
Add to this some shitty teachers and some extremely bad choices of mentors, the result stands before you. Filled with low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and one to always second guess choices, I happily choose the tag of ‘INTROVERT’.

During a recent exhibit at a local Gallery, one artist's description included the fact “…while untrained in the arts…”. At first this irritated me. Why point out his shortcomings and lack of education. After talking with the Gallery Director and learning that it had been part of his submitted bio for the event, set loose a chain of feelings that brought me out of my funk and set this writing in motion. That artist embraced who he was, did not let the world dictate terms and he put himself out there.

I completed my journeyman training and became a skilled Die Maker. I graduated college, with honors. I received my Ordination. I was elected to Union positions. I will leave a legacy of a great and profound family. I am proving every day I am not an introvert, a recluse, an unknown.

Quickly nearing the age of Medicare I find myself trying not to pine over missed chances and broken dreams. A loneliness resides in me from not making and maintaining friends and family. Most of all, I no longer want to be someone’s son, husband, father, brother, etc. Rather I want to be known as me, Roy, the man who tried, sometimes failed, but on occasion conquered.

My hope in this exposure of myself is that I no longer let the words, actions of others (Our lack of either), be a downer to me. I hope to grasp who I am in a deeper manner. I give the best of me in all I do and that friend is all that is needed. So, hey this is me and this is who I am.

Roy Richard
Feb 2024